The fifteen of you still reading this informative, groundbreaking insider’s blog may recall my recent expose on the amount of plastic used to contain the water that quenches the dry, dusty mouths of Amarilloans. While the disposal of the petro-based containers might be troubling to some living in the greener corners of ‘Merica, it is not the least bit troubling to me because I know Amarillo’s resourcefulness when it comes to used items. It’s something I referred to in Pt. 1 as “brownness”.
I’m not worried because, as previously reported, I know people of Amarillo will pass along their extra goats and even their extra spanish rice. Why? Because 8 goats worth of cabrrito is way too much to make at once. I also know some Amarilloans will even advertise online to give away their extra spanish rice.
Why? Because sometimes rice just grows like crazy when you cook it. Also, the chart on rice packages that measures dry to wet conversion amounts neglect the fact that rice is a metric grain… always has been. Finally, I’m not worried because even if those mountains of water bottle plastic end up in the dumpster, they’ll probably make the perfect raw materials that someone needs to continue their off-the-grid lifestyle.
The other and most obvious reason that we should try harder to use up as much materials (plastics, metals, textiles etc.) as possible, is to curb the coming intergalactic warfare between galaxies over valuable resources.
If you think this is crazy, then you’re wrong. I was right about cell phones – it’s yucky to be available 24/7 just ask any toilet in Denny’s, Wal-Mart, or Waffle House- and I’m right about this.
If we’re quick enough to consume everything on planet earth, we won’t have anything to fight robots and aliens over. They’ll look at this place kind of like the world has looked at Ethiopia throughout history. Nobody wanted that place except Italy who only spent a short time there because Anglo coffee nerds and marathons weren’t invented yet.
We have to get rid of the resources we love or need on planet earth. People love good drinking water, let’s waste it on the ground in our streets because we don’t know how to fix our sprinkler heads (I’ve been doing it this way, but feel free to experiment). We can also commit to having very green grass in our yards even while living in the desert. Also, let’s find a way to make a viral movement out of dumping buckets of it on our heads.
People also love fresh mountain air. In places like Colorado and Washington, let’s replace that refreshing spruce aroma with skunked out weed smoke and patchouli. Also, we need to be tearing out the trees and rocks and making the wilderness a place where people can live. If we turn our National Parks into housing developments and subdivisions like Hillside Terrace, Pheasant Run, and West Cliff, where all the houses look the same, aliens and robots will be like, “Negative, the benefit exists in negative relation to the risks associated with our interactions thereabouts.” Mainly because they know that subdivisions aren’t particularly friendly places if you’re not from around there.
With all the petroleum used up, all the drinking water wasted, and all the forests turned into dreary neighborhoods it’s on to the crops. Simple solution: we can engineer them to lack nutrition, contain harmful modifications, and to absorb toxins that will later be consumed.
I know, this is all very diabolical, but it’s necessary. Robots are way too strong to resist (experts say they will turn on us) and aliens are way too smart (just look at what they orchestrated in Prometheus). But they will both be searching for those things that are essential to life. Think that a robot won’t need oil to lube his metallic joints? Or water to cool his AI computing cores? Wrong. Aliens will also need this stuff. If you’ve heard anything about alien abductions you know that lubrication is an important part of that process. I didn’t want to be explicit… but they like to probe.
One thing’s for sure, we’re going to need more than Old Glory Insurance:
I know it’ll be painful to ramp up this Scorched Earth process, but it’s vital to our survival. Stalin implemented the strategy against the Germans to great affect during WWII. The United States also did so in Vietnam. It’s an effective strategy and one we need to implement beyond plastic water bottles today. At the very least, just go buy more drinking water. You can get over 30 bottles for under $2 in some places. And if you’re like me, you hate bathing or brushing your teeth with Amarillo tap water, it’s just icky, so buy 10 or 15 for those purposes. It’s only $30 and there’s no tax because clean water is essential to life.
Amarillo Probe-Ruse 